Failing Upwards

My therapist asked me whether I consider myself as having a disability because of my OCD. I couldn’t really muster an answer at the moment. To be honest, it was a pretty challenging session and I felt like the question was a bit leading. But upon reflection, I think the correct answer would have been yes, my condition has been disabling; but also with a caveat that being disabled is not a negative thing. It has been unjustly conceptualized as a hindrance because we are living in an ableist society.

Despite my advocating for more pluralistic outlooks on disability issues, I’ve been complicit in this ableist mentality at times. My grappling with disability as a handicap or undesired outcome, is exactly the retroactive approach that I yearn to dismantle. But my OCD makes it hard for me to suss out fact from fiction. This is mostly due to irrational and intrusive thoughts that I know are figments; but still seem very real both in their potential to happen and their implications on my well-being.

Partaking in daily life has been especially challenging because I am someone who has issues dealing with peer pressure. It’s been all the more difficult feeling at ease in a pandemic laden world where social pressure has become far more steeped in ableist mindsets. In my yearning to be a part of the collective culture, I’ve sometimes lost touch with myself and let my disability become a hindrance, rather than something that gives me the perspective to grow.

When a society collectively assumes that disability needs to be addressed in a separate lens from non-disability issues, it signifies that disabled people are different and need to be treated differently. Certainly, there are accommodations and modifications enacted in order to support disabled people’s rights to exist; but these things benefit non-disabled folks as well (i.e. the practice of universal design). Disability rights is about equality and equity, which is something that has overarching implications across culture. A true democratic society aspires to create places, products and experiences that can meet the needs of everyone regardless of factors such as age and physicality.

Disability is nuanced and more common than it’s made out to be. The apathy surrounding disability rights is something that needs to change. Because while it’s clear that disabled people are marginalized and stigmatized by exclusionary policies; it’s also evident that disability is the biggest minority group that grows exponentially daily. Why? Because anyone can become disabled, regardless of good prior physical or mental health. The process can be slow or rapid; predictable or spontaneous.

There are a number of wellness influencers who will tell you to do certain things in order to prevent such outcomes, but in reality they’re either being disingenuous or in denial. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, viewing disability in a negative manner (as some in wellness communities seem to do), is a eugenicist outlook. Having a disability does not make anyone less valuable or worthy of existence. It doesn’t mean that you’ve failed as a human being; but in many cases, society has failed to value the lives and humanity of persons with disabilities. This is something that should unequivocally be understood. In a more just and humane world, disability would be more widely acknowledged and accommodated by universal design.

I got into fitness as a way to mitigate negative OCD driven thoughts about health and wellness. The irony is that this has periodically had an Ouroboros-like effect on my overall well-being, because while I developed a true passion for fitness it has also been an obsession. At times, I find myself sliding towards using exercise as a compulsory response to OCD related thoughts; but when I am truly embracing it as a passion, I am unfazed by mental intrusions concerning my wellness.

I recently went to an outdoor obstacle course that had Ninja Warrior-like stations. I consider myself to be fairly advanced in calisthenics, but the obstacle course was mostly new to me. I was employing the form and functional strength and endurance I built through calisthenics, but the unfamiliarity of the course led me to fail often. I had a pretty gnarly fall and tore skin off my hands, despite their being calloused from lots of grip training. But overall, I had fun and it awakened a desire to learn different ways of applying my skills and knowledge towards new tasks and goals.

I’m OK with failure as an outcome. Failing puts me in touch with my humanity, since I realize that things will not always go perfectly and there are certain outcomes that are ultimately out of my control. I also take failure as an opportunity to learn. My experience not succeeding in the obstacle course put a fire in my belly to train for different purposes and outcomes. I realize that I can also apply this self-actualization towards bettering my mental health.

The hardest obstacle course I’ve faced has been my mental health struggles. For the time being, I am grateful for the ability to get back up when I fall down. But I know that I also have the tools to get by when I can’t.

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