OCD and Exercise
The Push and Pull of Maintaining Mental and Physical Wellness
Since around the age of six, my own brain has been gaslighting me. In kindergarten when the average human being is already overwhelmed with so much social, cognitive and emotional development, was when I first became aware of my OCD. Even though I only had a stone’s throw of lived experience, my thoughts and rituals seemed odd. I could tell that what I was experiencing was different from many of my peers’ experiences. As fortunate as I am for many things in my life, having intrusive OCD thoughts and compulsions has not tipped the scales in my favor.
Throughout my childhood, and now well into adulthood, OCD has impacted relationships, jobs and my mental and physical well-being. One of the most frustrating aspects of OCD is how it can taint even the best moments, feelings and intentions with negativity. When I become involved in something good, OCD thoughts, fears and rituals often consume it. This leads to me using whatever it is that brings me solace as a crutch. Or I juxtapose the good moments with debilitating rituals, such as hand washing, checking behaviors and seeking reassurance for thoughts and conditions that I truly know are absurd, but OCD makes me regard them as tangible.
When I started to develop a passion for exercise, a realization came to my mind that perhaps OCD was taking the reins somehow.
Initially, I must admit that was the case. I had found something that made me feel good and, in my mind, was keeping me healthy. This was a big consequence because my predominant OCD related issue is a fear of contamination and infection.
I thought that if I didn’t exercise consistently and intensely, that I’d be more at risk for becoming ill. So I did cardio for long periods everyday. It made a difference in lowering my cholesterol and losing weight; but I was definitely using cardio as a crutch, and ultimately giving in to my OCD derived thoughts and fears. I knew that if I continued down this path, exercise might do more harm than good…How’s that for a kicker?! Doing something that is universally recognized as being healthy and productive becomes detrimental due to irrational thinking and compulsive responses. That’s OCD in a nutshell…
I had to take control back and make exercise something devoid of OCD, otherwise I’d certainly experience burnout and likely negate my well-being altogether. So I made the choice to learn about exercise. The science behind it helps me craft routines that incorporate strength, cardio, endurance, mobility and mindfulness. Knowing what I am doing and why I am doing it has helped immensely to counteract the irrational reasons my mind tries to foist onto me.
Exercise or any kind of physical response to mental illness can be productive in treating said mental condition. It can also derail any kind of treatment and even prolong poor mental health outcomes. I find myself having a hard time with moderation, but exercising has actually helped me confront this issue. In order to see and feel the gains of working out, a balance is needed. This means finding an equilibrium for my physical and mental health. I am practically at the point where I am trusting the process, which means I am seeking less reassurance and taking control of when, how and why I am exercising.
I workout because it makes me happy and I enjoy it. And that’s what is most important. Not the way it makes me look, or how it has transformed my physique. Superficial goals like aesthetics are the worst reasons for someone with mental illness to exercise. There are still days when I feel compelled to respond to a triggering thought or experience with exercise, but I have the gumption to put my foot down and head myself off from that kind of thinking and doing.
There’s still a lot of room for improvement. But I would be remiss not to give myself the credit for addressing my mental health in more assertive ways than I have ever done before. I’m fighting the good fight, and I can count the victories for the first time in a long time. Understanding that there is no cure for OCD, means that I have to continue to build up the strength to push the negative and irrational thoughts aside as soon as they arise. Just like how I have dedicated myself to building muscle and core strength and nurturing cardiovascular health, I know that it is possible to also exercise my brain to be as strong and conditioned. The key is assertively declaring that it’s me, and not my OCD, that’s in control of the process.
If there’s any silver lining to having OCD, it’s that I am more acutely in tune with how my mind and body need to be aligned. The push and pull between the two is sort of like training different muscle groups on alternating days to give the taxed body parts a chance to rest and recover; or combining cardio with light strength resistance for enhanced endurance. If I can apply the same will power that allows me to workout in a stress free manner to my overall daily experiences, I can truly learn to coexist, and even perhaps thrive with OCD.
Great post! We need to line up that interview